Stop Complimenting my Daughter.

Dear wide world of Americans
And any other people who are taught to believe that the way to make a friend is with a kindly, personal remark about one's appearance,

Please stop telling my 2 year old how beautiful she is.  Please stop singling her out and commenting on her toddlish, very-likely-to-change looks.  If you do so- please remember to include her 2 very adorable brothers in your complimentary refrains.

I am asking you this as a mother- who can not spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the damage that your compliments may cause to my children.

Not getting me?
You think I'm crazy?

Lets take this request back a few years- to when I was a little girl.  I can tell you that it was not fun to be the only two little girls in the room- and have every single adult say to my sister "wow! You are so pretty!" (she was YOUNGER!)

My awesome mom would say "yep. And her sister is too."  Which sometimes caught people off guard. (I don't really recall it that well, but you should hear my mom tell it.)  Now put yourself in my sister's shoes.  Imagine that during your entire early childhood- the one thing that made you feel spayshul was the attention you received for your  alarmingly good looks?  Damaging a bit, don't you think?  And imagine if you were that child's siblings?  Still not getting me?

Ok fine, I know you aren't comparing. You are just making an observation. But you are LYING.. You are too comparing! If two children are equally beautiful you say "wow- you girls are beautiful!" (which, by the way, I have to thank those of you who did say that. Classy AND tactful. But still- just stop. But thank you.)

Now lets fast forward.  I have tried a few "mommy quips" of my own.  "Wow your daughter is just BEAUTIFUL."  and I reply knowingly, "yes and she's really smart." or "mmm hmmm but to me she will always be so kind."  The things that I would love for my daughter to aspire to become. (and of course, which she is.)

But I can't keep doling out these comments to my little toddler- because I also know how an unwitting, kindly offered "label" can really destroy a person.  Imagine what my other 2 children are going to think when they hear, over and over again how "kind" and "smart" their sister is? When it's their MOTHER who is now singling out one of her children and showering her with compliments? Hmm?

Here's what you can do.  Go a little deeper! Be more specific if you must compliment something... give the rest of the people in the world something to go on.  "Wow. You really did your into a pony tail!"  (Other kids can think "well, hey I can do that too.")  Instead of nice clothes "Hey, you've got blue in your shirt AND in your pants! Look how the colors go together so perfectly!" (Other kids: "Hmm... OK I can do that.")

Not to mention - just keep the big "wow so beautiful!" or "so smart!" labels for another, more private time.  You can tell ME. I love to hear it! She doesn't need to hear it.  (she just found out that she's a girlf or crying out loud.  She doesn't need to take it any further than that.)  I am not a fan of any labels. I want to let HER decide who she is.  But when my children are busy pattering around- and you and I are catching up on gossip, please feel free to let me know that you think my children are beautiful.  Or that you think my daughter is darling.  Or that you think my sons are lady killers.  That's the perfect outlet- and plus what mom doesn't like hearing those things?

I'm really working on NOT putting my kids into boxes.  But it's hard.  I'm an all-american girl.  I was raised in a box too.  (My mom always tried to make up for my lack of "beautiful" compliments with a timely "This one is my imaginative one."  BOX. bless her heart.)  I know where she was coming from.  I get it- and I am working on moving away from this ridiculous piece of our culture.  Help a sister out. Stop complimenting my daughter.

And if the shoe fits- maybe you should stop complimenting yours too. "wow! You just jumped 8 times!" is just as effective as "you are the BEST JUMPER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD" to a child.  Just a thought. No pressure.  Thank you for considering my request.